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U - Z







Lovely horses, with strap on horns.  Beasts of myth, before the days of the garden of eden.  For unicorns were not mentioned in the bible and surely if there were any at the time they would have been included.  In the age of dragons and werewolves they cant have lasted long, even if they sharpened their horns on a daily basis.



What exactly would constitute a utopia?  Free drinks and waffles all day?  Surely it must be personal to each and every one of us.  Which makes all of us living there quite a tricky prospect.




A drink made from potatoes?  They must have been nuts.  To make a drink from Brussels sprouts is equally unthinkable but potatoes must have some inner alcoholism that other vegetables lack.  I suppose then that is why it tastes so disgusting.  The only way you can drink it – unless you’re Russian – is by mixing it with something else to disguise the taste.  Russians I suppose must either be very cold – for which you would have thought they could just have invented a larger, thicker jacket – or have been weaned on charcoal.


Varicose veins:

These happen I think because the valves in the veins (usually in your legs) don’t work well, so the blood vessels get thicker and wider.  What you need to do in this instance is plenty of headstands.  I don’t think gymnasts get varicose veins.  They must get a lot of bruises though, so its swings and roundabouts I suppose.




I’m thinking Madame Tussauds here.  I’ve never been but then I’m not really into waxworks.  Watching telly is pretty much my way of celebrity stalking.  And they move on the TV too.  I’ve seen pictures of the waxworks, and a lot of them aren’t very lifelike.


Wet Willies:

I think these are an American invention.  I have never had one nor seen one in progress apart from on The Simpsons.  If you didn’t know what one was and you tried to give one I think you’d be in for a bit of a shock.




No Ideas Here.  There’s nothing funny about Xylophones or Xerox.




Why is there such a thing?  Some people may say lack of education.  But does not knowing about Chaucer or how long the Great Wall of China is really turn someone to hooliganism and crime?

I think however they must be stupid.  If you take the example of football hooligans: throwing coins at your own players (Chris Brunt for example) because your team isn’t doing well doesn’t make sense.  How is this going to help your team play better?  Being a fan surely is supporting your team.  I don’t think an extra 50p is really going to help.


A form of Buddhism.  Achieved after many years of sitting on your arse, meditating.  Also achieved through kicking some arse through Kung Fu.  Definitely involves backsides.

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